Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. - Psalms 139: 23-24
I am afraid. I am nervous. And I obsess.
It has been a part of me more and less through many years, and growing older has not made it better. And now pregnancy. That has just opened op a whole new can of worms for me to fear.
My husband puts bans on what I can google when I start to obsess too much over a subject – signs of cancer, how to prepare for the apocalypse or a third thing that can cause me sleepless nights, and I am not allowed to just look at web MD anymore.
I have always known that being nervous and afraid isn't a thing to aim for in life, and often though how easy my life would be if I could just relax, but not until recently has it been put upon my heart, that me stressing over things, worrying and obsessing isn't just bad for me, it is also an insult to God.
I always pray for God to show me what he wants me to do, and over the last few weeks a lot of what I read is about putting your faith in God. Not putting partially faith, not selecting what you want to share with God and not when I want to do it. But constantly and always sharing all my troubles and worries with God and putting all my faith in him.
The God that has taken care of me, provided me with a loving husband, a supportive family and blessed us with a pregnancy. Every time I fear and worry I am insulting God.
Now knowing and thinking this hasn't just waved a magical wand and now suddenly a cough doesn't make nervous or I stopped worrying about if my baby is moving enough, or perhaps too much. But it has made me think twice about obsessing, it has made me try and control my fears. It has made me try to put my faith 100% in God.
I try to live my life by doing my best to live by Gods rules, I fall short constantly, but I hadn't thought of the damage my fear does. I have noticed that I when I do fear, I try to pray, and it helps. It is like confiding, and sharing the burden. (Not every time I worry I can be that rational). I guess what I have learned lately is basically fear and faith doesn't work together, it is either or.
I will probably always be a worrier, and I will not just ignore if something feels bad or needs checking. But I will try and fight to not let fear take away my faith and let it swallow me. I choose faith.
In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety. - Psalms 4:8